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Losing my bestfriend

Late last year I lost my best friend/soul sister and I was devastated and to this day I still have no real reason as to what went wrong between us. I tried to talk to her face to face and she would not come and meet me and in the end wrote me a card telling me why, in a way, as to her decision.

There was a misunderstanding regarding a cot but it was not worth in my opinion of pulling up stumps on a friendship that has spanned for over 20 years and one that had never had any hiccups or bad words ever over this time period.

I had supported her through numerous breakups, an abortion, miscarriages and her recent marriage issues and in return I received the biggest slap to my face by being told it was over and that we had ‘grown apart’.

It sounds like I haven’t moved on and in some respects I haven’t but in other ways I have as there is no point dwelling on something that I know I can never change. I just feel lost without her and the mutual friends we have that also seem to have disengaged themselves from my life.

One mutual friend has been fine and I showed her the letter and she was shocked at what was written to me and that she thought it was a load of crap and something else was going on. She thought the words were very hurtful towards me and couldn’t believe that she had said what she did.

I am writing this post as I read one the other day on lifeloveandhiccups about friendships and I have had this post in my mind for months and finally decided it was time to share.

I think it is more devastating than losing a boyfriend/partner as there were no real signs of the total cut off that was received and how it was delivered.

All I can say is I miss you Honey and wish you all the best and fingers crossed for you and your husband that it all turns out the way you want it to. I miss you terribly and think about you every day of the week. I will move on but it will take me time and the tears I have shed over this are starting to dry which must be a good sign for me at least.

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break up letter

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Why????

Why do I have to have the most arrogant and unreasonable father to my little man? What did I do in a previous life to deserve the treatment I am receiving? I never thought I was mean or nasty to anyone to have this happen to me. I never played up as a teenager, never touched drugs and sacrificed things to get where I am today; so why does the world think I deserve let alone handle this constant stress?

The little mans dad gets 8 extra Thursdays a year when he can spend time with him. He took one of those today, he’s meant to return the little man to me to 5:00pm. At 4:50pm I receive a text saying he just realised the time and that they are out and about and not returning him to me tonight. I said as per the court orders you need to return him to me. Which I received back “he’s with family, happy, safe and well and very excited to be staying another night.” If he knew his son at all he’d realise that The little man would be upset that he’s not seeing me as yesterday in the car he kept saying to me ‘you pick me up in the morning.’ This is not about a father trying to state his authority over me but his three year old child.

I know he’ll be ok but god I want him home with me.

Why break your court orders when in the long run you are not doing yourself any favours!!

Just have to suck it up and be strong for my little man who I love beyond words. I honestly don’t believe my life was meant to be this difficult but for some reason it is and I just have to get on with it.

Thanks for listening again.
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Good Read

I do enjoy a good biograph and have read some really interesting ones over the years.  I saw this at the library the other day and decided to give it a read as I love the TV show, even though I don’t have foxtel and haven’t seen an episode since a friend taped the wedding!!  Sad I know….

Anyway this was better than I thought it was going to be and mentions the OJ Simpson case a fair bit as she and her first husband were extremely close to OJ and his wife Nicole.  

I also have a lot of admiration for her and the way she and her ex-husband maintained a great and loving relationship even though they were no longer a couple and she had remarried.  All for the sake of their children and I guess the love they had for one another at another time in their lives. 

It made me think about my situation and that I know I will never be able to show that kind of relationship to my son as his dad is not the forgiving type and is out there to ‘get me’ or belittle me at every corner.  I know this will never change which is a great disappointment for my son, but it comes down to the way his dad wants to behave towards me.  I wish for the little man’s sake we could have a better relationship ,unfortunately this will not occur as he is still bitter about his first ex-wife and they have been divorced for years!!! 

It can’t be healthy to hold on to such resentment and to portray this onto the children involved as it doesn’t do them any good to have one parent bad mouthing the other on a constant basis.  It is not of my concern as I have enough things to concern myself about rather than worry about his attitude towards me; don’t get me wrong sometimes I am stressed and upset beyond belief with the things he says and does to me but I can’t change it and have to keep moving forward as hard as that road is at times. 

I do applaud Kris Kardashian for the way she has lived her life for her children, especially in the earlier years not necessarily later in life and the train wreck of a TV show that kept us all coming back for more. 

If at all possible have a pleasant relationship with your ex for the sake of your children’s wellbeing and health and to show them what a relationship should be like.  After all it is all about the child and not about the parents.                                                   

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Scooter park

On Sunday we met up with a mum and her daughter from mothers group and the kids had a scooter around the council car park as the skate park was occupied with two 6 year olds ‘things’ I didn’t realise 6 year olds were meant to know how to do on a skateboard!! Ignorant I know….

We then heading to the park for a bit where they climbed over everything swung on the swings and slid down the slide. We then realised the little kids had gone so it was our time to hit the skate bowl and see their scootering skills. It was very cute to watch as they both just went around and around the bottom with little rides up the incline, but hey they enjoyed it and that is all as a parent you can ask for.

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Then as the weather seemed to get colder by the second we decided it was time to go home. On the way out of the park this is the image we as mums were looking at.

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Two beautiful children holding hands as they chatted on the walk home. Too cute for words and melts your heart.

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Family time

Sorry I have been off the blog for a bit lately and not really sure why?  I had made a pack with myself that I was going to write at least weekly and I was doing ok for a while there and then off the bandwagon I fell!!!

We have had my brother and his family over from Perth so that has been great for me and the little man to spend some time with my three nephews as well as brother and sister in law.  The little man was on the phone the other weekend to my aunt and he said to her “my brothers and cousins are coming to visit me”, they are his cousins but he refers to them as his brothers even though they aren’t.  He doesn’t even refer to his half siblings as siblings at all?!?!

When they arrived on Saturday night he was so excited to see them all he was squealing with delight and then I had to put him back to bed!  All went well though and the next morning there was lots of chatter amongst them all.  My eldest nephew is 12, then 10 and 4 so there is a big age gap with the older two and only 14 months between the youngest and the little man.

We got a photo of them all on the couch and they are a pretty spunky lot of boys – biased I know…..

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We then had dinner with them last Thursday night and the little man was a bit feral as he’d been at his dad’s all day and over tired as well as getting dropped off 37 minutes late which all added up.  Anyway we all survived dinner and the younger two were lucky enough to score a smartie cookie for dessert.

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I missed the cutest image but I wouldn’t have shown up in a photo of the two cheeky monkeys above shaking their tail feathers to the music playing in the café!  We were all in hysterics and they thought they were pretty good getting all the attention from us.

I couldn’t ask for a better family and neither could the little man as they all get along so well considering three of them live on the other side of the country.

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Why oh why

Last Friday night my little man’s dad came to get him as per usual, I gave the little man a hug & kiss and said have a great night and day.  About 10 minutes later there was a knock at the door; my first thought was ‘bloody marketers’ but low and behold it was my little man with his dad.  His dad said “he doesn’t want to be with me so I’ll see him next week.”  I must have looked dumbstruck as when we were together he always forced his children to see him on his weekends.  I asked the little man if he was ok and why he didn’t want to go to dads that night.  He said “the other kids are there and don’t want to go.”  He’s three so I thought ok extra time for me on the weekend! Selfish I know but I’ll take all the time I can.

Yesterday I thought I’d do the right thing and ask the ex what happened in the car so we could work on it together.  Why oh why did I do that as I received an essay back saying everything I was doing wrong.  I will give you a highlight from each paragraph.
  • My farewell is a song and dance and clingy with hugs and kisses whilst his is quick and clean.
  • Apparently it has happened before (never mentioned to me) and he didn’t want to deal with it again. I give to many kisses which makes him not want to leave me as I’ll be utterly miserable without him.
  • Rare for me say goodbye once and then move away, apparently I hover and wave to the little man.
  • The little man is always happy to see me at pick ups and not in tears (why this is my fault not sure).
  • The ex has trouble engaging the little man in conversation, thinks his sullen & withdrawn.  Ignores his new wife and the other five kids, again how is this my fault?
  • I need to curtail my farewells reigning in my goodbyes so that the little man’s head is in the “right” space and to enforce how good a time he’ll have at his dads!
  • Not allowed to empty the letterbox on the exes time as gives mixed messages to the little man??? A simple goodbye at the door and no hover in the future.
  • Improve his self confidence so he doesn’t cling to legs when he goes to school (two years away), and that separation is not a bad thing.
  • The ex has an intolerance to his  bad manners because he says ‘I want’ instead of ‘may I please’.
  • Appreciate my consideration on these points.
Why oh why did I ask the question????  I’d like to say that my little man is quite fine saying goodbye to me at daycare & kinder as well as any other time I might leave him.  His manners are bloody good for a three year old and I’m sorry a mother is allowed to hug and kiss her child at goodbye and I don’t hover at all I just show affection to my son.  Yes I miss him when he’s not with me and I tell him this occasionally, he now says ‘I miss you mum’.  I don’t believe this is bad or detrimental to his development or impacts on him wanting to go to his dads house.  As for ignoring your wife and kids who can blame him when there are five other kids there and by the sounds of it he is left to his own devices most of the time or dragged to their sporting events.
I could rant all night but won’t.  We went out for dinner tonight to Pinocchio’s pizza and they had drawings around the restaurant.  I hope my exes lies make his nose grow and to stop blaming me because he can’t relate/deal with his son whilst in his care.

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Life ain’t grand at present

Not really sure what is happening with me at the moment but feel like the walls are crashing down around me. I really just want to lie in bed and cry a river of tears and hope it all gets better! Not sure that would work long term but short term I’m sure it would as it is a female thing!

I really want to start afresh in a new town or state and see if I can get my life on a better keel and see if that helps me get over this hump in my life at the moment. I know it wouldn’t be easy but hey the life I’m living now isn’t easy either so can’t be any worse of in theory……

I feel that some of my long term friends have ‘dumped’ me due to my status as I never get invited out or even to someone’s house for a coffee. If I don’t contact them they certainly aren’t knocking my door down to see me. It’s funny in a weird way as my ex said this would happened after having the little man and I responded by saying that why would it since they’ve all had kids before me and were still friends. Guess now he was kinda right, as it was always me going to see them and organising movie/dinner/catch ups and now that I haven’t in recent times my life is decidedly empty.

It’s quite said that after 20 odd years in some instances this so called friendships has ripped at the seems and no longer a tangible entity in my life. I guess I never meant as much to them as they did to me.

Today I found one friend has ‘defriended’ me on Facebook. Talk about a kick in the guts that I wasn’t expecting. Nice to know she can so clearly cut me out of her life without even a thank you for all the good times or a goodbye. I am starting to realise that maybe they weren’t friends in the first place or we just needed each other for whatever reason.

The friendship pool is diminishing and it hurts that they can just walk away without a backward glance.

That river of tears has started but need to get it under control as nearly time to cook the little mans dinner and he doesn’t need to see his mum in this state.

I hope the next corner I come to is brightly filled with love, joy, flowers and everything that makes me happy as I think I deserve it.

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